2016 will be my year
“After my return from Saudi Arabia where I enjoyed their traditional hospitality in a 2×3 cell, I am slowly realising that 2016 will be my year. I have been whipped up to a frenzy on this inevitability by my friends and fellow revolutionaries.
First and foremost, to all those who said that I have been humiliated in 2015, all I can say is that it won’t hurt me because I am used to it. Plus, you are probably the child of some filthy Hindu-Zionist dog.
During my time in prison I worked on 17th Generation Warfare methods that I shall slowly try and disseminate in between my public statements, trying to butter Raheel Shareef. I have discovered how to weaponise the gas from eating prison food lobia. It can be deployed in place of tactical small nukes.
I am also looking forward to achieving the pinnacle of my conspiracy-laden and hate speech-driven media career this coming year by finally getting a guest spot on Comedy Nights with Kapil.”
Vote for change
Hamza Ali Abbasi
“Hello ji, my name is Hamza Ali Abbasi, and I wanted to make a video but then I found out that the streaming quality on paper is really bad so this will have to do. This coming year I will be going to Karachi to hold Pakistan awareness classes in all parts of the city like Lyari, Nazimabad, Malir, etc. (I know all the names of places in Karachi; watch my video if you don’t believe it). You see outside of Clifton and Defence the people of that city need to be reminded that they are Pakistani. I mean how can you be Pakistani if you don’t vote for change?
So, I will go door-to-door and show my videos on my ABC mobile, because all other companies have refused to sign me. I will be telling the people in my classes, ke meray aziz humwatanon, as Pakistanis we have to try IK because we have seen all the others. And now that I have sworn off girls in bikinis (Taubah) after seeing Ahmad Ali Butt wearing one on the set of JPNA, and because the Federal IT ministry is really effective when it comes to banning certain things, I too will be trying IK this year.”
Maula Jutt in new light
“I do feel a sense of pride every time I hear the term ‘revival of Pakistani cinema’. In a way, it all owes itself to my debut venture Waar. There hasn’t been any looking back for Pakistani cinema and I feel humbled by the thought.
There was a sustained campaign against my first directorial venture by the so-called liberals but thank God that stayed confined to the social media and did not deter the viewers who came out in hordes to watch it.
The critics hinted at some conspiracy at work just because each cinema showed my film almost all day and night round. They even picked on little things like the faulty script when I had introduced most modern techniques to the Pakistani cinema.
Ultimately, nothing succeeds like success.
My next project is a multi-million Maula Jatt cast in a whole new light, though slightly delayed (those petty issues of copyrights, etc). I am hoping to be out with it in 2017 but that means a very busy 2016 for me. I will be occupied with sponsors, shooting and bringing out slick teasers for the film.
In 2016, I want to be remembered as a trend-setter of the new age Pakistani cinema. There shouldn’t be any doubts because after I cast my father in Waar, Sarmad Khoosat did the same for his in Manto.”
Gifts for aam admi
My first crusade will be against dollar which has gained value against rupee once again. My heart bleeds when we have to pay more at upscale shopping malls, luxury hotels, and recreation clubs abroad.
Increasing tax revenues is also a priority. How about imposing a higher fee for non-filers using paid public toilets? Okay, just hear me out. This will not affect the common man (aam admi) who can relieve himself on the roadside. An ordinance can be passed to ban free use of toilets at private establishments, like hotels and shopping centres, and make evasion of this “direct” tax impossible.
I will look for more “unconditional” gifts like those given by friendly Muslim countries to improve our economy. The loan for Lahore Orange Line is a gift from China. I know people of Pakistan will have to ultimately pay it back but for us in government it is just a gift. I will sell off Pakistan International Airline (PIA) but everything will remain the same, including the acronym which will now stand for ‘Private International Airlines’. So, PIA employees do not need to worry. My plans for boosting the economy know no bounds.”
These are mock New Year Resolutions of some faces that we in this country are all too familiar with. These have been written in jest and should be read in the same good-humoured spirit. Contributed by Fasi Zaka, Sanaa Ahmed, Kamil Chima, Shahzada Irfan Ahmed, Naila Inayat, Saadia Salahuddin, Mazhar Jadoon, and Farah Zia